The Bum Reviews: Fate-stay night Unlimited Blade Works, by Studio DEEN
by ItsaRandomUsername
Summary: Stop. Hero time. Chester A. Bum gives his input on a film that would have benefitted immensely from the inclusion of any musical styling from MC Hammer.


_Disclaimer:_ _Fate/stay night is owned by Type-MOON, Kinoko Nasu, Notes Ltd., and all other affiliates, whereas Chester A. Bum is the intellectual property of Douglas Walker and ThatGuyWiththeGlasses. I own neither, and this is a non-profit fanwork. If anything, consider this free advertising._

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><p>And now it's time for "Bum Reviews, with Chester A. Bum".<p>

Tonight's review:

_**Fate/stay night - Unlimited Blade Works**_

"OH MY GOD! THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!"

"There's this kid, named Shirou, and he wants to be a superhero!"

"I was a superhero once! I was **BUM MAN**, and I fought for booze, drugs and fresh cardboard and the freedom to pee wherever I want!"

"No, wait, I just did that last week with that jerk Kyle who lives in the back alley across the street."

"But doesn't that make me an everyday hero?!"

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><p>You cannot see it, but he's gazing expectantly roughly in the direction of the fourth wall with his glazed over crack eyes. It's as awkward and as uncomfortable and breaks the flow as you would think it would be.<p>

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><p>"Anyway, he participates in this tournament called the Holy Grail War because he gets stabbed in the chest by a blue-haired Irishman which somehow causes him to summon King Arthur."<p>

"Just roll with it."

"He goes and talks to a priest, and right after that he and his love interest named Rin get attacked by a little girl and HERCULES!"

_"I have often dreamed /_

_Of a far off place /_

_Where a hero's welcome /_

_Would be waiting for me /_

_Where the crowds will cheer /_

_When they see my face /_

_And a voice keeps saying /_

_This is where I'm meant to beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"_

"(But between you and me he looks nothing like Kevin Sorbo.)"

"They nearly get killed by Hercules, but in addition to that they nearly get killed by a grouchy red guy."

"Get used to it, he'll be doing that a lot."

"Oh wait, SPOILERS!"

"Anyway, Shirou then goes on a quest to Witch Mountain!...only he's all by himself and not accompanied by The Rock and two alien kids. And by go on a quest I mean he becomes possessed and nearly gets his arm ripped off by the Wicked Witch of the East."

"Help! Dorothy! Help! Drop your house on her and save Shirou, or he'll die! JUDY GARLAAAAANNNNND!"

"But instead of Dorothy and Toto coming to save the day – _which is totally how it should have happened, damn it! –_ we instead get Mr. Grumpy-Who-Wears-Bondage-Pants."

"Shirou's all:"

_'What are you doing here?!'_

"And he's like:"

_'What are you dense? Are you retarded or something? I'm the goddamn Archer!'_

"And the witch is like:"

_'I CAST MAGIC MISSILE MWAHAHAHA I'M EVIL BY THE WAY!'_

"Then it's all"

**_'Boomboompowpowpowwheeeboom!'_**

"Then after she runs away the red guy attacks the orange kid because he was being stupid."

"Oh, and King Arthur fights a samurai while this is going on."

"But then the Wicked Witch comes and kidnaps King Arthur and turns her into a sex slave!"

"Yeah, King Arthur is a girl."

"Just roll with it."

"They try to rescue her but fail because the red guy betrays them and they get the shit beaten out of them by an insanely awesome combination of what happens when you take Jackie Chan and put him into a blender with Bruce Lee and put him into the mold of Ferris Bueller's economics teacher. Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, motherfuckas!"

"He's also just about as interesting as Ben Stein. Just, Eff-Why-Eye for your information. Yeesh."

"Anyway, when they then try to form an alliance with the little girl both she and Hercules get killed by the most famous Iraqi of all time."

"(But between you and me he looks nothing like Saddam Hussain.)"

"And that's because he's actually **_Scrooge_ _McDuck_**!"

"NUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOO! KEVIN SORBO! Whyyyyyyy?!"

"Turns out that the blonde-haired, red-eyed Mesopotamiamamian made a tag-team with that whiny boy with the sweet hair and the hot Servant that was completely owned earlier."

"Surprise!"

"Between you and me, I'd've let her suck me dry any day of the week.

"Anyway, the heroes go and attack the Wicked Witch again - because this time they have the luck of the Irish on their side!"

"Of course, when you take into account that Rin gets kidnapped, the moldy leprechaun kills himself with his own spear and the castle sets on fire (how does rock burn, anyway?) that just goes to show how well that turned out."

"He should have kissed the Blarney Stone more, that way they wouldn't have had this problem in the first place!"

"Shirou goes to fight Mr. Grumpy-Who-Wears-Bondage-Pants, and they then find out that Mr. Grumpy-Who-Wears-Bondage-Pants is actually a future version of him."

"OH! MY! GOD! I never would have figured that out!"

"No, really. How did they figure that one out?"

"Not important! What's important is fighting, and the clashing of a man's soul to a man's soul as their ideals thrash against each other!"

"They were all:"

DooDooDooDOO, Doo Doo DUUU~

_'I hate you!'_

_'I hate you more!'_

_You're wrong!'_

~Duu Duu Duu dah do~

_'No, you're wrong!'_

_'No, YOU'RE wrong!'_

~Da-doo, doo, doodoo da doodeedoo~

_'Nuh-uh, YOU'RE WRONG!'_

_'No, You're WRONG!'_

'_No, YOU'RE_ - **SQUSHSQUELCHASBLAGH** - _okay, you're right. I don't hate you anymore.'_

_'We cool now?' "_

_'Yeah, why not?'_

_'You're still wrong, though.'_

_'You're wronger.'_

_'MONGRELS!'_

*GASP!*

"And it was AWESOME."

"It also turns out that Agent Orange isn't stupid - he's just crazy. Good to know."

"In the meantime, Rin's been kidnapped and tied to a chair, the other blue-haired guy is drooling on her like a lion over a fresh kill, but then that priest from before turns up and it's all, like:

_'Tohsaka Rin, guess who's not dead.'_

_'What.'_

_'I am also evil.'_

_'What.'_

_'Lucky Charms, go out like the little bitch you are.'_

_'Unfortunately for you, this bitch has fallopian tubes of steel and burning arc welders!'_

_'What.'_

"Then the aforementioned rock-burning happens. Yeah, I didn't get it, either."

"They have to go fight Goldy and rescue the annoying guy from the evil loli-heart, but in order to do so Shirou needs more magic. How does Rin solve this dilemma?"

"With dolphins! I am not kidding you! Dolphins...apparently"

"I don't get it either."

"After his visit to SeaWorld, Shirou goes off and fights Goldy to the death and he goes all _**UNLIMITED BLADE WORKS**_ on his pasty ass, gets his kill stolen by Mr. Not-So-Grumpy-Anymore-But-Still-Wearing-Bondage-Pants, Rin saves the spineless guy from being trapped in a dead-end relationship with that prudish little girl's heart, King Arthur disappears after fighting that same samurai again and everything is well and goes back to the way it was and that's pretty much it really that's all there is?"

"Holy Grail Wars look like so much fun! I wanna get beaten up, hypnotized into doing something I'll regret forever and ever, verbally abused, stabbed, told I'm wrong and that no one wants me and drown in an aquarium!"

"Wait, if I want to do all that all I need to do is go tick off Kyle."

"This is Chester A. Bum saying...CHANGE! YOU GOT CHANGE? AW, COME ON! HELP A GUY OUT, WILL YA? COME ON, CHANGE!"

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><p><em><strong>Seriously though, except for hilarious QUALITY and like one or two moments Unlimited Blade Works was underwhelming.<strong>_

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><p>"I really don't want to have to fight Kyle for a half-eaten tuna sandwich again. He cheats! At least given me enough so that I can go to SeaWorld with Rin! D:"<p> 


End file.
